Christmas feelings

As this is my blog, I feel that I should be able to put things on here without having to worry about being judged. So I will do so, partially because I feel the need to put my thoughts out here, to try to get them straightened out.

Christmas was fun until later this night. We had fun having a group effort within the family of making some broccoli salad. After doing this and fawning over Caitlin, we finally decided to open presents. We did so and had some good times, and then went over to grandma and grandpas to eat lunch. Hung out there for a bit, but then the drama began. My sister suddenly became very bitchy towards everyone, supposedly because of us making comments about how annoying the dog she was dogsitting was. After dinner, she suddenly left, without even telling anyone goodbye, including my grandma and grandpa and uncle who if from Texas. Slowly, we all made our way back home.

Later, I turned on my computer and unfortunately, immediately checked my Facebook account. I pretty much immediately saw that a guy was 'in a relationship' with one of his friends, which then prompted me to text him about it. It was apparently true and he asked my opinion of it. This continued so cause sadness and drama for us because of our history together.

Here's the thing, I don't feel like I should be upset about this. When we were ('dating?') I didn't feel like I had much butterfly type feelings for him. But as we are apart but still close friends, I find it harder to not get upset about him hanging out with certain people and wondering what is happening with him that he doesn't tell me. When I found out that he is supposedly dating this girl, who I wondered if he still liked all along, which is really why them hanging out used and somewhat still does upset me, I felt a tightness in my chest, like I couldn't breath, my hands started shaking, and I seriously felt like puking. I still do. I have cried probably five times in the last hour, for various reasons, but mostly because of this. I don't know what this means. I haven't had feelings like this before, so I don't know what they mean. Does it mean that I miss the comfort, that I like him more than I had previously thought, or that I just have an attachment from before because he was my first real kiss and all of that? I just don't know what it means and I'm so confused about it. I feel an immense sadness when I think about this, and longing for what we once had. I don't know what to do about things. It's just really upsetting and I just don't know what to do or how I feel or even how I should feel. It sucks. A lot.