I don't really understand how when I am with so many people, how I can feel so alone.

I was at hockey, with friends, and looking around me, at people hanging out with friends, prospective boyfriends, and people who are already dating, it made me think about things that I usually try to avoid thinking about. I'm alone. I sat there, in the midst of thousands of people, thinking about how I want what other people have. I'll be honest. I'm jealous. Being honest doesn't make that feeling go away.

I'd like to think that I am not really as emo as this blog seems, although I may be. I just feel the need to blog when I am emo. Helps get my thoughts out and organized.

3AM Feelings

I was talking with my brother tonight, bitching about some things. He asked me the question "Why do you still talk about it like you are jealous?"....I don't know. And that is what I told him. I don't know why I so easily get upset still. Why I still cry so easily. I honestly don't know why I am the way I am.

I wish I knew who I was. I want to be sure of myself. I don't want to question why I am not like my sister anymore, or feel bad because I am not nearly as close to religion as I once was. Many of the decisions and people that I hang out with now, would not have been given a second thought a year ago. But when I came here, I think other people started to form who I am. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. I don't know if I am even unhappy with these decisions and people. Sometimes I'm not. But I have learned a lot from them, and I have yet to see a legit reason as to why they should not be in my life. Yes, I am different. I am not nearly as close to religion as I once was because of these things, and yet, I don't feel the need to change it. It upsets me because I feel like I should. Like it is expected of me.

I want a boy. I feel like I would be happier if I had one. I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with. Someone to talk to about everything and have them be a sounding board for everything. I miss that. I know that the way it should be is to know who you are before you date someone and to not look for happiness through someone else. I know that I'm not happy with myself. I know that I don't have a clue as to who I am. But at the same time, I think, nobody knows who they are. Other people help form who you are. And I don't really know if I care right now if I am looking for happiness through someone else. People make me happy. I am a relationship person. Friends and family make me happy. Is it so bad if I am happy through someone else? I just really want someone. And it makes me sad to see everyone else suddenly being in relationships, and I am sitting here, unmoved, untouched. I just wish that things would happen now, that I could be happy now.

Well...I could go on and on about this but I am sure that it has been painful enough already. I have sufficiently made myself cry, as I do with almost every blog entry. And I also need to sleep as I have class in at one. Hopefully the emo-ness goes away soon. I don't like it. :'(