Stars Go Dim

Also, everyone should check out this band called Stars Go Dim. I'm really digging them. Thinking about pre-ordering their cd. They are totally my style. Chill with great lyrics.

http://www.myspace.com/starsgodim

I think that I am starting to get burnt out on school. I don't think I should have signed up for classes all summer. I think the constant stress and thinking about them is catching up with me. This current class I am taking is HARD and stressing me out a lot. I avoid thinking about it because I seriously can feel my blood pressure rise when I do. When I do think about it, it automatically makes me want to cry. I'm scared that I am wasting time and money and am going to fail this class. I need a break.

THe other thing is that I have found a happy medium the last few months. Not that I am happy, but not that I am super unhappy, like I used to be. Until lately. It's probably stress for the most part, but I am starting to feel myself fall into a bit of depression. I hate it. And I don't talk to anyone about it because I refuse to show any weakness or that anything is wrong with anyone when I am with them. I refuse to show that weakness. I wish that wasn't the way I am but it is. Many times, I find myself with friends, act happy when I am really not, and when I get home, I just want to cry for no particular reason. It's not healthy to not share things with people, but I can't. IDK why. I'm bad at talking about my feelings, refusing to ever let myself cry in front of people. Even last fall, when I was particular unhappy, when other people talked and started getting me to talk, I refused to let myself cry, despite them crying.

IDK. Most of this is just a random rant, realizing that I haven't posted in a VERY long time and that I felt like writing, as I usually do when I am down. That and listening to music, which I am also doing.

This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle
I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up
To pack up and leave town

But even so I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me

So can you lift me up?
And turn the ashes into flames
'Cause I have overcome more than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come when the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, everybody starts there
Counting on a small prayer
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears

And everything that's worth having
Comes with trials worth withstanding

Oh lift me up, oh lift me up, oh lift me up
Oh lift me up, oh lift me up, oh lift me up
Down and out is overrated
I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
I would rather rise above

Lift Me Up by Kate Voegele

I hate making decisions. The Gateway is currently taking applications for editor positions. Scott started filling one out for me randomly, and when I caught him, I finished it. So, I'm sitting here, with the application filled out, staring at it, trying to decide if I want to push send or not. I can't decide. I have til Friday to decide but I still can't decide. I don't know what to do....

No More Kitten Woes

My mom came to visit for the weekend. We dropped by Petsmart on Saturday to check out what cats they had at the adoption center. There was a beautiful black and white cat named Daisy there that we visited with and then we left. A couple hours later, I was still thinking about this cat so we decided to go back and look into adopting her. She was so lovey and we automatically clicked, and without really thinking much more about it, I adopted her, bought her supplies, and brought her home. We then spent the night coming up with a new name, and have pretty much decided on Bella.

We've had a good time together so far. She loves to cuddle while watching tv and sleep with me at night. I took her to the vet yesterday to make sure that the ear mites she had while at the Humane Society were gone and she got a couple of shots. Today, she isn't feeling very well and doesn't want to be touched. The vet thinks she's just sore from the shots that she got and that it will go away soon. Her attitude has improved in the last couple of hours and she is starting to go back to her normal self. Yay!

Kitten Woes

This is my newest want. He's on page four of the cats/kittens. His name is Dr Pepper and currently lives at the Human Society.

People have no idea how much I want a cat. Almost to the point of crying. I miss having one to come home to and to cuddle up with randomly. And almost everyone, except my sister (who wants me to get a cat so she can visit) and my friends, think that I shouldn't get one. IDK why really. There isn't really a reason when I obviously would take care of it, pay for it, and all of that. It doesn't make sense. I just really, really, really, really want a kitty to love!

Ugh. It needs to be said.

It's so frustrating. I want to scream. Or cry. Wait, I've done that...

The whole money situation with my parents sucks. They have gotten screwed the last couple of months in every way possible. I'm scared dad will have to quit farming or they will have to sell everything. Or worse, bankruptcy.

I can't help but feel like if it weren't for certain people, that mom and dad would not be in this situation. They have screwed mom and dad in every single way. Mom and dad bought a house that they very obviously can't afford, because they found a way around them saying no, and pretty much tricked them. I can't help but wonder if they paid mom and dad back all that they owed them, that mom and dad would be okay, at least for quite a while longer. It's so frustrating. I don't know how anyone could ever be okay with completely screwing their entire family. No remorse. No effort to try to fix it. Nothing. They just don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. It's getting to the point that I want nothing to do with them. Which is really sad, because aside from all of this, I have no issues with them. But for some odd reason, I have issues with people taking advantage of the people that love them, just because they can and because they fucked their own lives up and now will proceed to fuck everyone else's up.

The only way that I can see my parents even coming close to getting out of their current financial situation is to sell this house. And the duplexes. No doubt, selling the house will cause all sorts of drama and no doubt, we will probably never see a certain baby again, but maybe it's needed. Someone needs to wake the fuck up and realize what is going on and maybe give a shit for once.

Oh Gateway...

You know, I question if, when it comes down to it, if I will actually be able to handle the stress of Michelle's job. I mean, not to say that I will actually have it. That is yet to be seen. But I took on quite a bit to shoot this week, and I felt like it was taking over my life. I know it's not, but still. On Wednesday, I shot the Apollo Exhibit. Then today, I shot a press conference with the Chancellor about the Athletic Director. Which was kind of awkward for me but Tim Fitzgerald, UNO's photographer, helped me out (as usual) and had me sit next to him and shoot there with him, which is where I got some good shots. Then I went straight to softball and shot that for the first time. It was actually kinda fun and turned out fairly well for shooting most of it through the fence. And tomorrow, before Cassy and I leave for Kearney, I am shooting the Women's Walk in the morning at UNO (earlier than I get up for my classes). I was also supposed to shoot Earth Day in Elmwood but I just found out that it got postponed til next Saturday. But that has been my couple of days. Lots of shooting, which means money, but busy. I guess we'll see what happens with Michelle's job though...

Ugh

I hate it when I can't focus. I have spend the last 5 hours trying to do my homework, and I can't focus on it. I've gotten one page wrote. It sucks. I did, however, take my laptop and books out to the balcony and enjoyed the weather. It was fun but I was easily distracted by the cars, people, woodchuck, and squirrels. Hence, I only have one page done. And now I am sitting here on my couch, still unable to work and I really need to because even though I only have two days left this week, it's pretty must just starting cause they are a busy couple of day with the classes.

Sometimes I actually do wonder if I have A.D.D. Oh well, It will get done, if not tonight, then eventually....

OMG

I want to do this! <3

As much as I try, I apparently cannot remove myself from a situation. The situation frustrates me and not being able to ignore or remove myself from the situation frustrates me even more. GRRR.

I don't understand

I would really like to know how someone can just be okay with a 'relationship' where you see someone once a week or so and are constantly being ditched for no reason. To just take it. IDK how someone could ever be okay with being treated like the backup plan or second class. And then when that person wants to finally do something, to just jump and be there, no matter what you are doing, like hanging out with other friends because you were waiting around waiting for them to say ok. It doesn't make sense! Just because you wanted something for so long, and now you kind of have it, doesn't mean that it's a good thing.

This exact thing reminds me of Sheryl Crow. If you makes you happy, why the hell are you so damn sad?!

Photo Editor (maybe?)

So...Scott and I have been talking about it a lot lately, and he thinks that I should try to be Photo Editor, at least for the summer. And I am totally up for that actually, if not just to give it a shot (pun not intended.) I'm scared of it, but I don't want the to hold me back from trying. The only issue that I really have is that Michelle doesn't actually act like she wants me to take over, which, for all I know, she may. But she doesn't actually ask me to do things or take my under her wing to teach me or anything. If she talked to me, I would be able to get a feel for if she thinks that I can do it, because her opinion actually means quite a bit to me. I hate that she 'asks' me to shoot things by mentioning it to Scott. She just assumes that he will tell me. But you would think that after doing this job for so long, that she would be better about contacting certain people to shoot things. I'm really just kind of frustrated with her and want her to take the initiative and make me feel like she may actually want me to take over. So needless to say, for some odd reason, I worry way to much about this.

I don't really understand how when I am with so many people, how I can feel so alone.

I was at hockey, with friends, and looking around me, at people hanging out with friends, prospective boyfriends, and people who are already dating, it made me think about things that I usually try to avoid thinking about. I'm alone. I sat there, in the midst of thousands of people, thinking about how I want what other people have. I'll be honest. I'm jealous. Being honest doesn't make that feeling go away.

I'd like to think that I am not really as emo as this blog seems, although I may be. I just feel the need to blog when I am emo. Helps get my thoughts out and organized.

3AM Feelings

I was talking with my brother tonight, bitching about some things. He asked me the question "Why do you still talk about it like you are jealous?"....I don't know. And that is what I told him. I don't know why I so easily get upset still. Why I still cry so easily. I honestly don't know why I am the way I am.

I wish I knew who I was. I want to be sure of myself. I don't want to question why I am not like my sister anymore, or feel bad because I am not nearly as close to religion as I once was. Many of the decisions and people that I hang out with now, would not have been given a second thought a year ago. But when I came here, I think other people started to form who I am. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. I don't know if I am even unhappy with these decisions and people. Sometimes I'm not. But I have learned a lot from them, and I have yet to see a legit reason as to why they should not be in my life. Yes, I am different. I am not nearly as close to religion as I once was because of these things, and yet, I don't feel the need to change it. It upsets me because I feel like I should. Like it is expected of me.

I want a boy. I feel like I would be happier if I had one. I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with. Someone to talk to about everything and have them be a sounding board for everything. I miss that. I know that the way it should be is to know who you are before you date someone and to not look for happiness through someone else. I know that I'm not happy with myself. I know that I don't have a clue as to who I am. But at the same time, I think, nobody knows who they are. Other people help form who you are. And I don't really know if I care right now if I am looking for happiness through someone else. People make me happy. I am a relationship person. Friends and family make me happy. Is it so bad if I am happy through someone else? I just really want someone. And it makes me sad to see everyone else suddenly being in relationships, and I am sitting here, unmoved, untouched. I just wish that things would happen now, that I could be happy now.

Well...I could go on and on about this but I am sure that it has been painful enough already. I have sufficiently made myself cry, as I do with almost every blog entry. And I also need to sleep as I have class in at one. Hopefully the emo-ness goes away soon. I don't like it. :'(

Boo Classes!

I don't want break to be over and classes to start! My break was just starting to get good. Stupid college...

Cha-Cha-Changes

It's the same old drama. The same as it is everyday. All I want right now is change. I want to change the drama, make it go away, I want to change people and their lives, and most of all, I want to change myself.

My first step to change was my hair. I got it cut a bit different and had it colored red. It was a good, subtle change and I love it. But there is so much that I want to change. I want to shift my emotions, make the ones I currently feel not exist, and have happier ones. Sometimes, it would just be easier not to feel anything, and sometimes I wish I didn't. I don't know how to go about this change and move on with my life.

In the thoughts of changing my life, more permanent ones come to mind. I have the thought about getting a tattoo, which I never thought that I would want. Maybe it's just teenage rebellion, coming a bit late.

In the terms of psychology, maybe I'm just transferring my feelings into something physical, something that I can easily change. And maybe I'm just being irrational, thinking that by changing things physically, I can change who I am, and no longer feel what I do. But then, my sister-in-law told me not to use psychology on myself, that it never turns out well. I suppose that she is right, but it's hard not to do. It's hard not to analyze my thoughts and feelings in terms of psychology, because while I do not know much of it, it's all I know.

My sister calls me an emo girl, mainly as a joke. But like she always says, theres a bit of truth in everything. Maybe I am. But so what? That's me. People act like being emo is a bad thing, but as far as I can see, its only bad if it is to the extent of destruction. Someone a bit ago told me that my Twitter account is emo. And I suppose that this blog is also. Maybe these things are, but their truthful. Way more truthful that I could ever verbally say to someone.

Boring Break

I have spent two days straight, in bed, watching chick flicks. And it's killing me! I have nothing to do and it's driving me crazy! And the chick flicks don't have the same effect that they used to have on me. They used to cause warm, fuzzy feelings. Now they just cause awareness of loneliness. But whatever. They're still good. But yep, that's been my last couple of days. It's sad but truthful. :(